You usually won’t find me talking about my past much these days. Although I have much love and appreciation for all the experiences I’ve had, there are a number of reasons why I choose to stay in the present. First and foremost, I believe a large part of healing is to remain consistently focused on wellness. A victim mentality will slow or even halt the healing process. I don’t identify with being ill. I gave that up in the midst of my battle with cancer. At my worst, I would sit and fill my notebook with the words “I am healthy.” I deeply believe that you get what you think about. Focusing on wellness was vital in my healing.
I’ll start in the beginning. I had experienced anxiety for as long as I could remember. One of my earliest recollections is being on the school bus home from elementary school, heart racing, palms sweating, trying to use my rational mind to come up with a reason as to why I was upset. Was I going to get in trouble for my messy room?! Had I left my homework at school? It took me nearly 20 years to realize that much of my “anxiety” was a physical manifestation, and not so much of a mental issue.
In my early teens I started experiencing severe depression, eventually becoming suicidal. I was put on a plethora of medications, none of which seemed to do anything but make me feel more disconnected. Antidepressants, antipsychotics… You name it and I had probably tried it. This all before I was 21. I gave up medications and lost my faith in the medical profession in 2008. My symptoms followed me well into adulthood and manifested as PMDD symptoms. Every month I found myself suicidal without reason. Again, my “rational” mind would come up with reasons. “My marriage must be failing.” “I’m a terrible mother.” “You wouldn’t feel this way if you were a good person.” I then developed an alcohol dependancy.
Over the following years my physical symptoms also worsened. I was tired and experiencing severe bouts of vertigo. I had unexplained pains and crawling sensations all over my body. I developed severe migraines often with stoke-like symptoms. My thighs would hurt so badly at times that I couldn’t wear pants. I became obsessed with finding out what was wrong with me. My distrust of the medical establishment pushed me to believe I had to do it myself. I spent countless hours online, focused on researching what I was feeling. This was a huge error. I was consumed by being unwell. I had no choice but to get worse. Eventually I became so sick that I was unable to function at my fairly demanding job (which I loved.) In the summer of 2015 I was diagnosed with cancer.
My youngest child was barely 1.5 years old and I was 28 when I got diagnosed with a rare form of Lymphoma. I wasn’t surprised at the diagnosis as I had done research and had spent a month prior trying to convince doctors. That lump in my chest that was “nothing” was actually a 10cm tumor that pressing on my heart and lung, had also collapsed my superior vena cava. I had such little fight left in me at that point that I agreed to chemotherapy.
I was set to receive 6 rounds of aggressive chemotherapy. The nearest hospital offering this type of treatment was 2 hours away and required a 5 day stay each time. I won’t go into deep detail explaining the side effects of chemo. Everyone knows they are awful. I only made it as far as I did because of my amazing support system and the power of mediation and positive thought.
By my third round of chemo I had had enough. I was hospitalized after each round due to my blood counts being so low that I would have died without. At this point every ounce of my being was screaming for me to STOP. I was experiencing bizarre hallucinations. 2 dimensional animations of what looked like cardboard cutouts would appear in my head, having absolutely nothing to do with what I was thinking or doing. But the worst was this horrifying feeling of wriggling inside myself, that I could best describe as feeling like my spirit was separating from my body. Against doctors orders, I quit chemo. By this time the tumor roughly measured to have shrunk to 1cm. It’s not uncommon for this type of cancer to leave a residual mass of 1cm, sometimes larger. I felt the chemo had done its job and would kill me if I continued. My intuition was pulling me toward furthering my healing naturally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Through meditation and research I found that if I treated the core causes of the cancer that I could heal, and stay healed. The elusive Epstein Barr Virus (EBV) had come up in some early blood work but was “normal” and “inactive”. A deeper biopsy shower that my cancer was EBV positive and “rare” for it to present that way. The doctors didn’t know what that meant and subsequently paid it little attention. If I wanted to live I would have to find a way to treat the EBV. Without much available information on EBV, I began working to heal.
First I gave up meat and dairy. A couple of weeks later I happened upon a Facebook post on EBV. There was a new cutting edge book out on the subject. I was a tad weary as the author (and book title) was labeled as Medical Medium. The author, Anthony Williams, was 100% on point with what I was going through and with what my own intuition had already guided me to do. It was thrilling to find this and to have a little confirmation that I was on the right track! I made further dietary changes as suggested in the book, adding appropriate herbs and supplements. Immediately I was on my path to healing. The way it happened was all much too perfect to ignore or discredit.
So here you find me, the end of 2016, pregnant with my 4th (yes 4th) child, and feeling better than ever! The anxiety is nearly nonexistent. I get down now and then, just as we all do, but I no longer imagine taking my life. Day in and day out I keep my focus on wellness. Although I now consider cancer to have been the greatest most life changing gift that I’ve ever experienced, I remain focused on my continued healing, and offering my story as a source of hope to others suffering. I may have stayed in limbo, half dead, half alive, if it weren’t for my cancer experience, so for that I am deeply appreciative. In sharing this I wish to help others know their own power! We CAN heal, and we can do it together! Many hugs to you all. Thanks so much for reading. ❤